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We would never presume to tell you how to raise your kids. We do not have child psychology degrees or strings of impressive letters after our names. My wife is a corporate trainer and I am a high school teacher. What qualifies us to write this article is that we have four loving, successful children. We are sure that many of you could write a great article based on your family experiences about the word No!, but we thought of it first, we hope. If we have told our kids "No!" one time, we have said it at least 1,678,475 times - "No!" While growing up at home, our children told us many times we were the strictest parents on earth. Now they are raising our grandchildren the same way we raised them. But perhaps you desire to raise your kids with a positive attitude in a loving home and you believe "No" conveys damaging negativity. If No! is such a negative expression, why should anybody use it? Instead of rebuking your angelic child with such negativity, why not share with your child your life experiences. Listening to the wisdom you impart, the child will see the logic of your reasoning, and will abstain from the undesirable behavior. What a perfect world that would be. But you know as well as us, that dream world does not exist. So, here are several good reasons why you should use No! One, No! is quick. Sometimes you may not have time to give reasons, before your kid jumps off the roof, breaks both legs, causing you to rush him to the emergency room where you have been so many times before, that they look at you suspiciously, whisper, scribble on a clipboard, and reach for the phone. You then take days and days off work to wait on, hand and foot, a demanding, ungrateful, whining child who is constantly complaining that he can't go swimming or play with his friends. All this could have been prevented with a simple "No!" No! Don't touch that stove, it's hot and will burn you. Some kids are going to touch the stove anyway and get burned - like our oldest daughter did when she was about four. Hopefully, they will not be hurt badly and will always remember that you told them the truth. After the danger is over, then give the reasons. Explain that even though the electric stove's burner is not glowing red hot, does not mean that it lacks the ability to cause a nasty burn. With some kids, and you know your kid better than anyone else does, a slap on the reaching hand may need to accompany the No! This is not "violence" and will hurt much less than the burn. Sometimes you do not have time to give detailed reasons to prevent serious injury. While some lessons can be learned the hard way - others are deadly and you may only have one chance! Two, No! gets the kid's attention. When you say No! and the kid knows you mean it, he will immediately focus on you and stop putting the cat into the washing machine thereby saving the cat and the last decent pair of bed sheets you have because you weren't around to say No! when he used the others for tents, ghosts, and Superman capes. Recently while waiting at a restaurant for a table, there was a cute little toddler playing under the watchful eye of a young mother. She gave him a piece of gum. He took the wrapper off, put the gum in his mouth, and threw the wrapper on the floor. His mother told him to pick it up. The toddler replied, "No!" You see, this is the wrong person using the word No. The mother shrugged and gave out a sigh and the child wandered off in search of other stimulation. Several minutes later, the family was called for their table and the gum wrapper was left on the floor for someone else to pick up. Three, No! is decisive. When you say No! and mean it EVERY time, your kid knows he is close to a limit you have set. The kid must then decide if exceeding that limit will be worth it. Your job is to see that it is not. There was a teenaged boy in our neighborhood told, "No! Don't fight because you may get your teeth knocked out." He tested the limit by getting into a fight and was stabbed by the other kid. He suffered a very painful recovery period from the injury and infection. He was very lucky because he lived and was left with no permanent disability. Teaching your kid "No!" at an early age will enable him to prevent injury or death because he will learn which limits should never to be tested. The kid with the gum wrapper tested a limit and was allowed to exceed it. If he continues to exceed limits, then some day the mother may try to say, "No! Don't take that gun to school." Of course the kid will not listen to his mother because he knows she does not really mean it. That young mother was probably embarrassed to discipline her child in public. All she had to do was take the child's hand, guide it to the paper on the floor, and have him pick it up. Then take him to a trash receptacle to dispose of it. If her child screamed during the process, so what? It would be better for him to scream now in a public restaurant than later in prison. Also the mother would have gained her kid's respect. Everyone there would have silently applauded her because she insisted on teaching her kid to do the right thing. She missed a wonderful teaching opportunity, If you start teaching the word "No!", when your kid is a baby, you will be doing the baby, you, and society a great service. When you say "No!" and make it stick, you are establishing limits for your child. The limits you set are going to be tested much more than 1,678,475 times. Make sure you can pass. Children do not know about limits, and they don't know the term limits, but they know they want them. They're confused and uncertain if they don't have them. Our kids have all told us how much they appreciated having limits now that they are adults. For example, you do not allow a kid to set their own bedtime because they would never go to bed. We told our kids they had to go to bed so we could stay up and do secret adult stuff. You do not allow a kid to decide where and what to eat because they will usually choose junk food that is bad for them. As a parent, you must always set an example even if you are dying for fries with that gut busting, triple bacon, heart stopping, Blamo burger. You do not allow a kid to decide if or where they want to go to school. Of course they are going to school. "What an absurd idea!" that a kid would be allowed to decide between public, private, or home school. Kids do not have any cumulative life experience to make an informed decision about school. But you do, so you decide for them. If this sounds as if you are setting yourself up as a family dictator, that's because you are. Nobody ever said that a family is a democracy. Take a closer look at these standard everyday no-nos. No! Don't run with scissors, you may hurt yourself and break the scissors. No! Don't hit your brother. He may hit you back in the mouth and ruin your teeth on which we spent thousands of dollars for braces to straighten them. No! Don't run into the street. You may get hit by a car, become an invalid, and be a burden on your parents for the rest of your life. No! Don't climb on the roof. We don't have time to go to the Emergency Room tonight. It would ruin our evening. Notice here that the word No! is accompanied by something very important - the truthful reason why you say No! A little humor never hurts, either. Sometimes children remember the humorous reasons better than a nasty threatening ultimatum. The truth part is very, very important. Always tell the truth no matter what. Look at it this way. If you lie to your child, or anybody else for that matter, you have to keep track of which lie you told to whom. That can quickly become an enormous amount of data to sort and remember. Telling the truth is much easier because there is not as much to remember, and it teaches your kid to tell the truth. Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive. If you lie about even little things, your kids will eventually catch you at it and you lose all credibility. When that happens, they will not believe you about the big things. No! Don't drink, it's bad for you. No! Don't smoke, it's bad for you. No! Don't do drugs, it's bad for you. No! Don't join that gang, it's bad for you. If you get them listening to No! about the little every day mundane things, you may never have to say No! about drinking, drugs, gangs, and other big things. Once, there was a TV ad for a detergent company that shows a mother coming home from work and giving her kid a fresh clean blanket that he drags around everywhere. The idea of the ad is that if she uses this germ-killing detergent, she will not have to say, "No! Don't touch that because it's dirty." The mother states, "When I come home from a hard day at work, I don't want to be a disciplinarian." If she doesn't want to be the disciplinarian for her child, who will? So the kid in the commercial touches everything with his blanket from the bathroom floor to dead fish. Well, I believe by now that we all know that no detergent can ever be adequate for a well placed No!" Additionally, saying, "No! Don't touch that because it's dirty." is much faster, easier than washing clothes. It is by far more beneficial to the child than subjecting the washing machine to unnecessary wear and tear, and wasting your precious time. If you do not teach your child the meaning of No!, society will have to do it for you. Society is not as considerate and forgiving toward your kid as you would be. If left to society to teach No! to your teenager or young adult, it could involve prison time. Chose your No's carefully, however. Don't automatically say No! to everything. If you do, communication may be lost. You may not have a chance to give advice before critical decisions are made by your kids without your participation. Save your No's for when they are really necessary. Find out why they want a nose, navel, lip, tongue, or worse ring inserted while you silently wonder, "Is this is the same kid who screamed his head off when he had to get a measles shot?" Do they understand the implications of taking care of such a wound? Are the place and people they have chosen to maim and mutilate their body careful, reputable, and sanitary? Are they willing to accept the suspicious looks of adults who will assume they are criminals, drug addicts, or out of work rock stars? Our youngest daughter came home with a nose ring during her sophomore year. Sophomore year is one of the toughest for the parents as you discover why the word, sophomore means "Wise Fool." It was just a small stud but we hated it and told her so. We did not say, No! because it was her choice and she had to live with it. We were concerned about infection because she had always had trouble with her pierced ears becoming infected. She promised to be careful and was proud of this decision she had made. We don't remember how long she had it, but one time when she came home, it was not there. She was upset when we did not notice, and finally, asked me if we knew it was gone. We really had not! We had grown used to seeing it as a part of her. Our son got the tattoo in the wise fool year. Both had to bear the consequences of their decisions and no one else was hurt. Read the preceding sentence several times. This is a good guideline to follow when you chose your battles over No! Teach your child the meaning of the word No! When you say "No!" and make it stick, you are establishing limits for your child. Set limits for your kid. Kids want limits. They're confused and uncertain if they don't have them. Setting limits sounds easy, doesn't it? It's not. When you set a limit, stick to it no matter what even if you have to miss the Marine ball to enforce it. If you let a limit slide even once, you placed a chink in your parenting armor that can be impossible to repair. There will be other balls, but you only get one chance with your kids. The limits you set are going to be tested much more than 1,678,475 times. Make sure you can pass. |
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