About 'clear nose studs'|... begets dreams of palaces with furniture of sandalwood studded with jewels, and beds made of twisted silk threads...
Every time I turn on the television there is a new commercial, filled with carefree and happy people. Most of the time, they're on some kind of outdoor outing-either kayaking, bicycling, or playing softball. The weather is usually crisp and colorful, and all appears splendid. As the announcer begins speaking, I suddenly realize that said advertisement is for a new drug, which is supposed to combat any number of physical conditions. Heart Health Drugs, Cholesterol Reduction Drugs, even Herpes Medications are all advertised with these beautiful families engaging in regimented, exciting outdoor activities. As the commercial comes to an end, immediately the announcer's voice drops an octave or two. It is at this point that said voice publicizes all the additional risks of taking the new Wonderful Drug. The list is usually fairly extensive for a slot which only lasts a few seconds. So the announcer must talk fast. By the time you can even comprehend what was said, the commercial is over. In case you're a potential customer thinking of taking any of these new prescriptions, take a look at these side effects, and determine whether the "cure" is right for you: Drug: Zetia Condition/ Purpose: High Cholesterol How it works: Blocks the absorption of cholesterol from the food you eat. SIDE EFFECTS: If you're ok with fatigue and stomach pain, then this is the drug for you. Manufacturers indicate that muscle pain and weakness are also "rare" symptoms. I guess this means that you'll be too weak and sore to eat anything, let alone fatty foods. So this drug is probably a success. Drug: Claritin Condition/Purpose: Allergies How it works: Antihistamine, which dries the sinuses, and prevents runny nose and sneezing, etc. SIDE EFFECTS: Your nasal passages will be clear. But you might end up with that dreaded "medicine head," where you feel slightly discombobulated. This pretty much goes for any kind of antihistamine. Just stay away from piloting an aircraft. Drug: Valtrex Condition/Purpose: Herpes How it works: Slows the growth of the herpes virus so that the body can fight it more effectively. SIDE EFFECTS: While you may be free and clear to schedule that hot date, keep in mind that this drug also may cause nausea, vomiting or even diarrhea. These symptoms would certainly prevent most people from having sex altogether, in which case-you're still preventing the spread of herpes. So I guess this one really works. Drug: Meridia Condition/Purpose: Obesity / Weight Loss How it works: "Tricks" your brain into thinking you've eaten, and makes one feel full longer-thus reducing the possibility of overeating. SIDE EFFECTS: You'll eat less when taking this drug because apparently it causes tremors, and an unpleasant taste in the mouth. Couple that with insomnia and that means you'll be up late, shaking, and tasting something foul. But dig this-you won't be hungry. Drug: Levitra Condition/Purpose: Erectile Dysfunction How it works: Relaxes muscles, and increases the blood flow to "particular areas" of the body. SIDE EFFECTS: Anyone taking this medication must be seeking an improvement in his sex life. However, studs should beware that according to makers of Levitra, they may experience "warmth and redness of the face," in addition to a stuffy nose. I suppose this drug should be sold with a couple tabs of Claritin. Drug: Zoloft Condition/Purpose: Depression How it works: "Balances" the chemicals in the brain which cause depression and anxiety. SIDE EFFECTS: Where does one begin with this one? First of all let the record show that this drug actually INCREASES risk of suicidal thoughts. However, this is only at the beginning of treatment. Once you get going with this drug, you might be unable to sit still, feel nervous, or drowsy. Moreover, it is advised that you do not drink, or take any other drugs that make you sleepy. On the other hand, you may suffer insomnia WHILE feeling sleepy. But if you're really lucky, you just might end up with a few balance/coordination issues, and have difficulty achieving an orgasm. So what were you depressed about again? This is the part of the article where I'm supposed to mention that I'm not a physician. I'm also supposed to mention that these side effects may vary from person to person. And I should also state that you should consult your doctor before taking any of these medications, blah, blah, blah. But the truth is that these are real symptoms and side effects capable of either making your condition worse, or covering it up with other uncomfortable stuff to experience. Drug companies are really capitalizing on this country's ultimate laziness. Instead of focusing on better eating habits, we'd rather take a pill which essentially makes us eat less horrible stuff that's going to make us fat anyway. The same goes for all these cholesterol medications. Eat the right things, and the fatty stuff balances out. If you're depressed, try locating the source (most of the time it's YOU) and work backwards to rectify the things in life you've screwed up. It's a lot less time-consuming and less harmful than the alternatives. |
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