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She sprints from the bathroom giggling, she frozen in the moment like a snapshot, black curls spilling over her shoulders contrasting against the white robe she's put on just to humor me, long silken Victorian cut, eyes sparkling behind the dark waves- the moments broken when she twists her ankle, bends to rub it raising white foot like an uncoordinated flamingo she wobbles, black painted toenails disappear between her fingers, she tries to rebalance stepping on the robe and falling hard on her ass. I try not to giggle. Hard. Fail. She sits there against the plush carpeting still rubbing her ankle, black curls hanging in her face, iridescent eyes veiled under long lashes and I don't know if she's looking at me. She's crumpled like a pale skinned china doll tossed haphazardly and showing no signs of rising so I move off the bed towards her but she waves me away and rolls to her knees, presses one hand to the floor the other to the wall, slowly lifting herself as the robe billows around her like sunny day clouds and I note she's walking on her toes again like she always done- as if she was born in a pair of silvery stilettos, most times she's the most graceful thing I've ever laid eyes on. She lay beside me on the bed, a collapse against the sheets, her body warm under my arm she nuzzles her head beneath and she's staring up at me half shielded through hair and lashes and pillow and arm, face flushed, I push back her ringlets, hands travel over her shoulders down the curves of her body; mountains of her breasts my fingers like travelers, across her rounded stomach, down her thighs, I slide them open taking in her heat, she naked beneath the robe I'm pushing away from her as she's nuzzled and fussed over. Her porcelain skin smells of fruity body sprays and lotions fresh from the bath she had lain in for over an hour, she peering up to me under my arm and I prop her half onto a pillow, the toothpaste and mouthwash doing a poor job masking the bourbon she had gulped down while watching TV and whatever else she had consumed while lounging in the lukewarm waters sprinkled with white cottony bubbles. Her eyes are on mine and I try to ignore her drunkenness as I graze her jaw line with my fingertips, sliding her robe back around her like a security blanket. "Tell me a bedtime story," she murmurs before coughing. "Please?" She stops stirring , my arm back around her, on her side, face half pressed into the bed linen and my fingertips trace down her back, scratch gently at strong arms I've spent so much time enfolded in. She is lucid but her body lulls a bit under I beg her to lay still and rest. She coughs hard again and her stomach heaves for a moment and I keep rubbing at her back starting story time to take her attention off the opportunity to barf over the bedside. "Who are you tonight?" I ask softly fingering her long ebony curls each night it changes and she stars in mental stage productions as an angel or sexy bartender, a sassy teacher like something out of a Van Halen video dry humping a desk as I salivate. She is the savior that pulls me from the burning building, takes the bullet, dies in my arms to defend me each night; my heroine dream. She is gentle and equally hard, sometimes frolicking through green fields and playing on tire swings at parks with innocent eyes. She is the movie starlet goddess in the back of the limousine beckoning me inside for a ride that I will not soon forget. "Something better than what I am." She mumbles to me. She complains she isn't not perfect and it turns me on more, my flawed Pele to which the virgins are still sacrificed at her feet, the adversity fueled seraph that overcomes some tragedy, the martyr that throws herself on the bomb to save the school children. "You are perfect because you are human. Maybe you don't always get it right but you learn and grow from your mistakes." I stroke her curls. "You are perfect for me though, perfect because I love you." She smiles and its radiant and another snapshot in my mind and I tell my story and she beams up at me between the gagging as the alcohol wages war with her stomach acid and she is a frisky parking lot attendant in my mind, the story halted and I kiss her sleepily and she passes out in a warm lump next to me and I pull back up the blankets. I wake to use the bathroom pulling out from under the protective shield of her arm thrown over me peering down at my sleeping beauty whom has somehow managed to vomit all over herself while asleep, tresses caked to the pillow, down the front of her robe, I sigh, relieve myself, mop her up, debate waking her to change the sheets. I don't bother. She is in freeze frame- my Poloraid of a good day and we are enjoying our lunch; sandwiches she insisted upon making meticulously cut corner to corner in triangles piled thickly with ham and turkey, swiss cheese spotted with mustard and mayo even a pickle. A bowl of tomato soup perfect for dipping. She does her best to please me, twirling on the her toes she's perfectly balanced on- I again exclaiming she would have been the perfect ballerina, perhaps in the story that fills my mind. "Sit. Eat with me." She doesn't answer scrubbing the dishes in the sink, like a bloodhound my senses drawn to her raising me from the table sucking in the honeysuckle sweetness radiating out her pores. She elbow deep in the soapy germy water with floating food particles that turn my stomach and I dry heave a moment. I'm tracing my fingers up her forearms, trying to divert her attention, one hand raise loosening her long dark ponytail, I spun her around, the other hand trying to free a plate from her hands, her back against the sink, my soapy fingers brush against her bunnyish nose and she gives a low moan and I lean in and smell the alcohol on her breath and ignore it. I grab at her hips and push her back against the sink, grinding hard against her, she touches my face with her fingers. " Love...you..." she pants at me with raspy breath. "Touch...me..." A glass slips from the sink and splinters all over the floor near our bare toes, she pushes me back. "Hold that thought, I will take care of it. You ok?" She's so protective of me. She kneels on the floor picking up shards between her fingers and I'm trying hard to keep her from touching the glass, she shoving me back, pricking her finger in the process I draw it to my lips; tongue rolling over her wound soothing it. She smiles and collects her curls back into a long ponytail. "Weren't we in the middle of something?" She asks me playfully. I note the bottle she grabs off the counter but this minor detail can be erased from the final edit of the scene. She dumped me in the rain, perhaps to wash me out of her life, perhaps because it was impossible to see me cry, I turned from her walking the path back towards the apartment we share, the only reason for the tears that didn't yet come because I knew it was just words and she's wandering the streets alone in a sad dance but I wonder if in her head she hums as she staggers. I drown out her yelling, not sure what had even flared her temper and it goes from piercing rage to sadness and I picture her slumped on the sidewalk the dark pools of her beer goggle gaze and she is a limping ballerina trying to stay on her toes only to end up dragging unresponding limbs, first the left then the right- staggering dance indeed needing of a partner and I half race towards her then stop needing to rehabilitate my own senses before tending to hers although everything in my body tells me differently. I don't know what time or if the suffered princess ever came back into the house that evening but I make passionate love to her in my dreams and her angel wings spread behind her elegant backdrop against dark curls and she's laughing the way I remember during our night time chats. In my head I make up tonight's bedtime story to amuse myself and she has saved her kingdom from impending doom and all cheer and rose petals rain down growing blackened and dying out before they reach the ground and I am reminded that I sleep alone. My stories make her brave when she is not. Midnight vignettes of saving grace. Gradually the talking dries up in a relationship and you come to the point realizing you have eventually said everything there is to say to each other. I don't know when she returned to the apartment because she was a ghost floating by on her own agenda occasionally brushing past me in hallway and laying on the couch. I could hear her break down at night openly weeping and the jagged sobs cut through the air like steak knives penetrating the silence of a bedroom once filled with the harmony of excited moans and squeals, I not moving from my perch often up listening to it, two islands: bed and couch seeming so far away from each other, my heart stretched as far as the boundaries allow for watcher has become my vocation- if I dared venture any closer it was clear she would only run away. So I waited out the madness and made noises to fill the silence masking how alone I felt in an undefined love that I wasn't sure I any longer shared. Then as suddenly as it ended one sunrise I found her draped across the foot of the bed watching me sleep in a manner as if she had always been there but I was in no mood to fight and ever fiber of my body had missed her so I sat expectant for her to make the first move. Her eyes were so clear that morning and little jags of her panting made me half believe her nervousness as if the motivation behind her sudden stagger hadn't a dress rehearsal and she didn't lay down next to me but I felt the warmth of her tenderness just inches away and my fingers ached for hers which lay just out of reach. I closed my eyes taking in what I could of the moment and I felt safe in knowing that at least I could depend on her always coming back in one form or another. She didn't speak to me for the longest time so the sudden intrusion of her voice against the silence seemed harsh and I don't even know exactly what she mumbled but suddenly her fingers laced with mine and she in a pile next to me, then wrapped around me, arms fusing at my waist and I was motionless because anything to upset the tide and in the still waters I was floating alone without a life vest to shield me from an sudden turbulence of her anger but it never came. Instead she was still against me, I craving the 90 proof reliance of her kiss but that didn't come either but with we were snuggled for the moment and I tried to remember the millions of reasons there was no place I'd rather be. And I did the dance alone in my head filling in dialogue where there was none and I realized the only words she'd said to me since she had entered the room was "I'm sorry." and the phrase hung mounted, framed, highlighted on thin wire over our heads and nothing to that moment mattered- the sleepless nights I'd suffered wonder if she was even alive and most likely she had noticed her non verbal role at all, the screaming exchange in the rain. The situation was stripped, gutted-exposed, gritty and venerable and she reduced to a child clinging to me so pure and hopeful and I fingered a dark ringlet of her hair that lay against the pillow tainting my isolation and I didn't speak either just drew her in as a one soaked in the last dying days of an Indian summer as fall crept in. Late afternoon and come and we still lay stationed on the bed, mounted to the down and cotton sheet of luxury and she still sleep nestled up in a cocoon of my arms and blankets, of love that will protect her slumbering form and I realize this is the only time I don't really have to worry about her running on self destruct. Hours pass the negative shows she waiting lethargic to be developed and if I do bring her to life she will only pull back away from me at some point. So I take what little I've been given tracing over tired flesh with fingertips like paintbrushes anointing her flawless features with lightly scratched icons of my faith that this too will pass because nothing in the time I've loved her has ever stayed the same for too long. "There once was a girl with the power to do so many great things," I said my story a monologue to myself rather than something shared but she slightly shifted and I heard the familiar gurgle of her empty stomach, the slight cough that came when she wasn't drinking and in response her insides erupted into angry spasms attempting to dry heave. "She has to believe in herself though and stop blaming her problems on things she can't not change. So one day for her efforts, she was granted a magic wand to do with whatever she liked the only consequence was that it was a temporary fix and come morning whatever she wished for will be washed away with the morning dew." I stroke at her curls, her breathing changing, fingers tracing across her temple, skin a bit feverish which I monitor. "What did she wish for?" She mumbles half into the pillow. "You tell me." I say. "For you to hold me like its the last time. Like you will never let me go. Like we are ontop of the world and I could slip at any moment." "Don't you want something different? To see the world or to have wealth or power? Something more..." I didn't press the issue only because I secretly like the unselfish nature of her answer despite its underlying sadness stating its obvious nature, when I'm awake I slip away from you, I only belong to you in those hours before bed when everything halts and comes crashing down, when eternity is measured in caressing beneath sheets and quiet whispers and sounds of bedsprings settling into position. Those golden hours when nothing else matters and we exist only for each other. "No," She said repositioning, drawing me up against her. "That's what I'd wish for. Tell me more of the story." You're right next to me but I need an airplane to get on the same wavelength as you tear about the kitchen systematically slamming one cabinet after another until the noise hurts my ears and I'm squinting but its early noon and the other sounds outside; children racing down the sidewalks, trains like silver streaks forging a path through cold dead air, car on the stretch of highway that ran just to the left of the complex, I'd take the pfffft huffed and slamming cabinets, thank you. Knowing better than to offer help, I turn the television a little louder. She floats through the pub precise as a sound wave a straight beeline to the table, crowd stepping aside for her as if awestruck by her radiance. It wasn't my place of choosing but I was proud to be at her side, she handing me another concoction she had mussed over while waiting to be served, dipped her fingers into slurping up the liquid slowly off them tongue swirling suggestively around her fingers. "That's not how I asked that jerk to make this for you." "I'm sure its fine." Even if it wasn't I'd drink it anyway. Where every moment in her presence is slow motion, I find a way to fast forward through the bar scene, my mental Tivo bookmarking the finer moments making out on the train, forgoing her urgent vomiting on the platform as we exit, to unbridled lovemaking on the bed and tonight she suggests to me an idea for a story. "Hoe come you don't ever tell me a story?" I ask. "I read to you all the time." She smiles. "I mean, you know what I mean." "Ok," She giggles sitting up on the end of the bed, eyes peering up at me from behind a loose tendril of her cherub curls. "This is a story about the most wonderful person I've ever know." "Do I know them?" "I think you do." "Why are they so great?" I ask. "Because my beautiful bitch," She smiles again and the heavens open to the sound of her giggling and she is ethereal for the moment and spellbound I lay at her feet, messiah of the tiny pink and grey room with chilly air from a partially opened window where drapes sway on invisible fingers of the wind. "You could have walked away so many times when things got bad, but you didn't. You won't ever leave me." The words sound like a death sentence despite the cheer of their content. She smiles fumbling for my Dasani bottle on the floor next to the bed choking back a small cough that if well lubricated by vodka would have sent her scrambling for the bathroom to heave the liquid from her body before it tainted her rotting insides. "You love me and I love you. Always. Forever." "Always. Forever." I repeat although sometimes forever feels to long and I'm doing consecutive life sentences and my biggest fear is somehow she's going to hurt herself out there in the world and I was going to be the last to know. She feels insecure, naked as if sky-clad primal urges most of us retain beneath domesticated fronts has missed the train with her, even the most most intimate moments shielded by blankets, she whines she is afraid to disappoint me, that I will leave- yet today and well fueled on alcohol she is cruising the house in t-shirt and panties like a second skin. She was making me some sort of meal in the kitchen clattering dishes, I laying on the couch watching her, she is radiant sucking on a red popsicle purring to me, I turn up my MP3 player, Guns N' Roses, Duff, Axl this time backing, my eyes on her, she drops her popsicle on the floor turning to me its five o'clock somewhere but still, she's been past her prime for hours. Maybe I'm ignoring her because she is yelling. "Its not my fault!" She is slamming things around in there and her voice sounds far off like she's talking underwater. I'm not saying anything back and its funny sometimes how songs come on at just the right time so poignant the words I should be saying as I brace myself for her attack. Up to my neck in sorrow/ the touch you bring She's never violent to me and I watch her unwind, usually the mood goes from giddy happy drunk to a more distraught victim of circumstance to a breakdown that's not exactly rage but she lights a cigarette and stands over me and I see her lips moving but I'm not listening to what she is saying. I've been the beggar/I've played the thief/I was the dog/they all tried to beat She is a news program on mute saying something and I'm feeling terrible but she's killing me softly with her eyes. Your stupid girlfriends tell you that I'm to blame/well their all used up has beens out of the game Leaving her would kill me. I can't I can't even though it chokes me sometimes knowing that something has to change that I've fended off denial for too long. I tried to see it your way won't work today I close my eyes tight thinking I can drown out the looming figure overhead, she won't hurt me. If they knew half the real truth/what would they say I still see her shadow under my eyelids but she is drawing away done yelling, sitting in the corner I'm guessing drinking something, smoking maybe. She's told me many a time she may just kill herself, that I may come home one day to see she's gone too far in the bathroom walls splattered in blood and she has cut open her wrists and liberated her soul. Just like the hooker/she say nothing for free I roll over into weak self induced faux slumber hoping she will just go away, stop knocking over things, stop crying, stay self contained, sometimes though I just wish she was gone. Not gone as in out of my life, but dead so I don't have to worry anymore and the thought makes me want to vomit. If you are the one dying, why is it only eating at me. I was the one washing blood off your hands as you sit on the floor gazing up at me with pretty eyes. I'm cleaning our your wounds you didn't know you had. But this is just a fantasy that plays in my head when I don't know how to mend the silence so I wonder if you even realize how miserable I've become when you close yourself off to me. You feel so far away on your half of the bed and I live with a phantom, sometimes in your sleep rolling into me, taking me into your arms out of old habit and I still tell you stories to paint the darkness with the shimmer of color. The sad thing is I don't think you even realize you aren't talking to me grown negligent on your end, I wonder when I stop bowing and catering to you completely if you will eventually notice the silence. Then one morning I see you humming as you pack a little bag of toiletries and clothing and its like I'm not even there and you are radiant playing like its hard to see you go, and its terrible that I want to tackle you to the floor grabbing at your pant leg tugging you back into my arms. The story I told you in your sleep made you smile as if you could hear me, fingers tugging slightly at your dark ringlets, my dying angel. With no choice I let you walk out the door pretending not to notice that no words pass between us and I'm wondering if inside you are calling out for me to chase you but I give you your independence because if I let you go out of love and you come back to me it was meant to be. It wasn't even two hours until you are beneath me at first on the bed, then the floor, positions changing, limbs tangled and the wash of tears on your frozen cheek like snowflakes and I'm grabbing at your hair, you biting hard into your lower lip to not cry out, scratching and fighting, lovingly with each other, shadowboxing each movement, the crush of her lips against my neck and I'm screaming, pawing, begging for her- the most I've heard her say to me in over a week. "I love you...love..." She moans. I fuck her like its the last time, like I will never let her go. "I'm going to stop drinking." She takes my hand between hers licking my fingers. "I'm going to stop just for you...just for you my dear." She seems sincere wrapped up in my arms, grabbing a book off the nightstand reading to me, rubbing my hair, finger tracing across my temple. "I will make it up to you." I try to wave it off, but secretly I'm sick and craving the attention and I suck it in, breathing her life, existing just for her. And I let it all go away, the mistakes, the times I had said you had disappointed me- I take it all back, I have the rest of my life to make it up to you. I'm so proud of your many talents, of who you are, and what you will become and I try to stay updated, and useful to you because I know some day you will outgrow me and I fear the impact that you've had on me can never be...I don't bother to finish the statement. It scares me that you can do so much better than me but you waste your time for some reason with me, maybe just out of humor. Perhaps you are weary of my co-dependence and have been planning escape since the first day. Its true that I've never loved anyone like I loved you and the thought frightens me. I don't want... You interrupt my thoughts "What are you thinking about?" and I can't even answer and you complain my breathing is raspy as I lay in your arms and you offer a drag off your cigarette and I shake my head but you are so beautiful and I can't take my eyes off of you. She was a throw away child that no one expected much from, like myself I'm told and maybe that is why I admire her, long for her, drawn to her light like a moth and everything in my body shuts down when she no longer shines. I stare at her wantonly, my philanthropist sex kitten creating something in the notebook splayed across her lap that is tilted slightly upward, shielded indirectly from my prying eyes and I wonder if she knows her words, her art will really save the word in the way that it has saved me- that if she believes enough...there are things better left unsaid. Her curls spill from across the whiteness of her neck, tangled in chains that look like cheap trinket adornments not worthy to be touching such a true jewel, her small hands fly about the notebook, I long to be that paper decorated by her passion. I feel her shifting, slipping from me like water running through my fingers. She claims to have curbed her drinking but it only means she drinks away from me, out there where anything could happen and comes home to me behind a smile and lying eyes and tends to her artwork and I wonder how much of this stress I've caused her myself by wishing me both lived in the real world that everyone else seemed to be in- the non magical non artist people that can't slip between realms the way we can, watching the world with childlike eyes, seeing beauty and renewal in each breath, terrible pain and sadness, hostility and fear and weaving it into something tangible often beautiful. In our bedroom after the latest war, I've only seemed to save myself. Her love was a boomerang she tossed out there and collected back a million times over, for my efforts I had possessed her as little as the person before and next soul she will come upon. For the moment I thought she was dead, dear god she's finally found a way to end the nightmares that pursue her every night , her insides drown and sterilized with the wash of alcohol, the blood pools in her cheeks but against the tile of the bathroom purple and blue with yellowed grout the same color as the jaundiced features and its hard to distinguish her face from the floor if her iridescent eyes weren't sparkling like the diamond necklace she always wore, those curls were gone, displaced into the sink and parts of the bathtub were I imagined them falling like black snowflakes and she's shorn them viciously it appears because what's left of her hair hangs jagged hardly brushing her high cheekbones. The familiar rise and fall of her chest, usually very pronounced from the years of smoking damage wasn't there, her breasts like valleys rather than mountains pressed into the floor where she lay face down, but head cocked to the right enough to see her face, a strange angle making me almost wonder if she broke her neck on the way down., an old reliable bottle of Jack Daniels standing behind it like a grave marker. And here I stood over her pale flesh the scent of lotions and perfume, hair product and booze lingering and I wonder if this will always be the scent when her apparition haunts my dreams and it slowly sinks in that my girlfriend lay on the cold tile unmoving no sign of how her passing had crept up- liver explosion?, heart attack?, alcohol poison?, choked to death on vomit?, although there was no visible trace of post meals clinging to her chapped unmoving bluish lips; I didn't feel a thing. For years I'd had it all planned out, the mental preparation that went into living each day as if it would be the last, bedtime stories in memoriam, endless kisses breathing the life back into her soul binding it a day longer to her body. I didn't feel a thing now that she was dead but relief. No one had asked me how I suffered through her drinking and erratic behavior, victims apparently can only wear one vest of circumstance and to whom I'd complained all said back away, leave her but I don't think they fully understood. I knew then my only escape from the tower I'd built with her wavering love would be if she had left though death, her dependence on me would never stop. And I felt relieved, not happy mind you- but I didn't worry about how I'd move on. Then she gasped hard and her soul apparently stopped swirling overhead taking the opportunity to restore her life, my misery, dive-bombing back into her empty pores. "My head hurts." She mumbles and my shift as nurse maid begins again. She's in her own Wonderland, the drink me option unmistakable as she blindly reaches for the grave marker bottle, blood red nails like talons from her fingers and she's weeping and complaining and tell me it will never happen again and she's sorry she's flipped out and scalped herself but she didn't know and couldn't control it and she didn't understand at the time and the room is getting smaller and her hands are white rabbits flying around and I can't follow them and her face for the moment glows and the walls are caving in and the wash is like a cloud of smoke and I want to take the red pill because the green isn't doing anything for me anymore and she is a monster spawning before me , my nemesis pawing at me trying to yank me ontop of her, "I want you...I need you" and she is a sea of limbs crashing over me and I'm struggling against the tsunami of her affections, head struggles above the water and I'm slipping and the demon that breaks out of her skin all fiery wings and horns consuming the angel inside and she's an archenemy stabbing at me each kiss and nibble is an attack on me and I'm dying beneath her- "I LOVE YOU!" and the voices are screaming in my ear and I am done fighting and let her take over me and the parasite slips under my skin. I'm loosing myself. She is fused to me, conqueror and goddess and through the tangle of her worming her way on top of me and before I know it I'm in her too and her long lashes brush my cheek sweeping silver tears down her cold cheek and she's telling me she's going to change for me, that she loves me, lives for me, will die alone and instead of sinking comfort that I was originally after for myself I see a flash of her radiance- she's still the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on. "You want to hear a story?' she asks me mid tryst, wriggling on the cold tile floor like provocative lizards shedding their skin between the friction we create and she's saying this biting into my neck and I hope she bleeds me. "Yes...oh yes." And the fairy tale unravels from the gilded pages of her mind and she paints and illustrates my talent and beauty and loyalties and in this tale she is a poor desperate soul seeking the salvation, but she is an asp clinging to me and we are both crying out and I'm still begging as she's on me, the story leaking out her mouth as she narrates, sucks, tears at me, she still crying because she's sorry and I've saved her and she's done drinking. I'm being eaten alive, fed to her in ravenous gulps and she devours me with both mouths simaltamously. The shark retreats and leaves me the aftermath in blood stained water and at night her tenderness returns and nuzzles and the ceremonial licking of my wounds like I was the one endangered. She pulsates in a swarm of hungry red. I'm laying on the bed watching as she stumbles across the room towards me, iridescent eyes slightly bloodshot and shorn hair mussed, she giggles and hums incoherently to herself or maybe me, reaches out to where her drunken dexterity thinks I should be but her fingers brush through the empty projection. I sigh to myself, watching and longing. She is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. |
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